I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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