So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
