Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
