Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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