He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
