She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
