I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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