i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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