I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize