I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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