When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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