Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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