dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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