yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
