Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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