i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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