my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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