Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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