DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
