nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I wish I could punch you in the face.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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