My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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