someone get that fucking seahorse.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
