He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
