when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
