We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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