it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
