you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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