so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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