I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
