I'm sorry my penis didn't work
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
