omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
