Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
