WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Randomize
