i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
