just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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