so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
