I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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