It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
