her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
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