I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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