i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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