You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
