she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
