pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
