The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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