ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
