There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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