New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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