I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Randomize