Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize