don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
