Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Sext me about skeletons
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
