I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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