Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Randomize
