I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just want nice things and good sex
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
