I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
