some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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